Love in Denial: Allen's POV
by Zeriku
Summary: temporary title. A sister fic for ravenangel23's Love in Denial. Told in Allen's POV.
1. Intro

Warning: May or may not be completed. It all depends on ravenangel23's fic. 8D

Disclaimer: Me, myself, and I, do not own D.Gray-Man. Even the plot isn't mine! D8 lowl This is just my rendition of ravenangel23's "Love in Denial". Told in our favorite white-haired exorcist a.k.a. Allen's POV.

A/N: Holy crap. I'm writing! I'm writing a fanfic whereas I should be writing my Pol. Sci. project. swt Just came back after, what, 3 years? Hell that is way too long. Give me some love. Hah!

This fic is the sister-fic to my shistah's, ravenangel23, "Love in Denial." This story deals with Allen's POV. So, read hers first before mine! The outcome for this fic will also follow hers. Anything that happens to her fic will be here, though I may edit them a bit. And, about the title, I'll think of something to replace it, so, yeah.

I'll change the title later... so... on with the fic! Ha!

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Missions have been scarce lately, not that I'm complaining. It had been a huge relief for me… for us. Having to face an akuma after another is very tiring… and a nightmare on my part. Though I appear unruffled on the outside, I am actually a whole lot of a mess in the inside. You very well know what I'm talking about, right?

This eye of mine, which everyone considers as a huge benefit for the sake of saving people, is a time bomb for me… a time bomb that will eventually blow my sanity into millions of pieces.

Sad, isn't it?

Though, with this time bomb, I am able to see who is an akuma. With this eye, we can strike first, obliterating our enemy in an instant. Because of that, I am really thankful for this eye. It helps me protect my friends. It helps me to save lives.

Although this is the case, I cannot erase its existence as a curse… a curse that will forever haunt me… a curse that will always make me see hell everyday that I will have no choice but to swallow the bile rising up my throat to maintain the unruffled, carefree, cheerful and childish Allen Walker that people are so used to see.

If I do that, people will not worry about me. No one will be pushed to care for me out of concern. I know that they will worry about me from time to time, that's inevitable, but with my happy mask in place, they will eventually go and find some other person that needs taking care of. If that will be the case, then they will have no reason to take care of me, to be close to me.

It's not that I smile to provide comfort or to ensure other people not to worry about me. My smile is more like my defense against their approaches. I smile to say, "Really, just leave me alone and I'll be fine."

I act like this not for the people around me. I wear this well crafted façade of happiness so that people will not bother me. I do all of these for my own benefit and to ensure myself that people will never bother me by worrying about me or what not because they will see I have my smile in place. Nobody worries about a boy who's smiling, right?

For short, I do all of these for myself. By doing these things, I will certainly have a gap established between me and the people around me…a gap that they will never be able to cross…a gap that will prevent them from getting close to me.

A gap that will prevent them from loving me… A gap that will prevent me from loving them back.

If I do all of these right, I will never have to relive the pain of losing a loved one ever again.

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This first chapter is… very off with ravenangel23's first one. D8

I dunno why, but this came off a bit… dark. Darker than I anticipated it to be. Although not that dark, but it's still too dark for me…swt

Either way... Review. All thoughts welcomed. Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own D

Disclaimer: Don't own D.G.M. Yeah.

Here's chapter 1. I hope I get this right. Enjoy.

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I stretched. It was a very long time ago since I had a good night's sleep. A very long time indeed…

"A very long and painful time," I muttered to myself. Timcanpy hovered at my right ear, playfully nipping at it.

"I know, I know. We're gonna go and get a bite." I assured the golem in a playful tone, attempting to dislodge it from my ear.

Tim didn't let go. It actually bit down. Hard

"Ouch! TIM!!!"

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After bathing and applying some ointment in my ear, I made my way towards the cafeteria. A few 'hi's and 'hello's were exchanged on my way there, all of them were from the people in the white lab coats.

White… one of the primary colors dominating my life right now. When I look at the mirror, I see my white hair. When I dream, I see Mana's face covered in white paint and other scribbles fit for a clown's face. My anti-akuma weapon in 100% sync is also colored white.

And when I search for akumas, white, hand in hand with black, takes over my sight.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't hate the color white. I'm just a bit unused to seeing it _on _people (aside from me). We exorcists wear black uniforms with some white trimmings. Or was it silver? Either way, what I'm trying to point out here is that I'm not really used to seeing people in white clothing. Sure our Finders wear white, but their suits get dirtied easily, making it some kind of brownish beige. So…yeah…

Timcanpy suddenly bit me on my nose, pulling me out of my reverie.

"Ouch! What's with you today!?" I asked, rubbing my now red nose.

It buzzed around my head, and then stopped in front of me. It's as if it's saying, ''More like what's wrong with _you, _Allen Walker." I swear it's _glaring _at me, even though I see no eyes. Huh? We're in the cafeteria already?

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Good thing people during this time of the day are minding their own businesses in god-know-where. Though I'm happy with the setting right now. Less people means more seat and silence. It also means more food for me! ^^

The thought cheered me up, making me skip my way towards Jerry. When I reached him, he already had 5 trays filled with all of my favorite foods. My mouth watered. This earned me a hearty chuckle from the chef.

"I knew that Komui didn't give you any mission as of the moment." Jerry said with a smile on his face.

Any verbal reply was lost to me because my eyes and mind (and stomach) were all set on the food before me. I just gave a grin and a hearty thank you, balancing the trays in my arms and head.

I sat down somewhere near the door. Digging in, my mind wandered back to what I was justifying earlier. Another talk about white and black was going to start when I felt someone stare at me. The stare was so heavy that I almost choked on my drink.

I looked up. What I saw made me go O.o

Tim was, basically, hovering there, looking at me with his non-existent eyes. I was about to resume eating when it suddenly opened it's mouth and began playing some scenes it recorded. Right on my face.

First was my mission with ba-Kanda. His grumpy face filled up the "screen." It was actually funny because you could really see the creases between his eyes. I bet you a hundred grand he'll be all wrinkly and still grumpy by the age of 30.

I laughed. I never knew Kanda will be able to make me laugh. He's like the grumpiest teenager alive. Angsty too. Good thing he doesn't use Mugen to slash his wrist or something.

The second video was my first "homecoming" from a mission. Hell, it had been a surprise having a robot attempting to place you under a surgery of some sorts. I really can't imagine a macho Linali serving us coffee and… I shudder as I cut off my train of thought, though my expression of distress was immediately replaced with a smile. I fainted after being subjected to the robot's surgery, but Linali saved me. And when I woke up, she told me, with a smile on her face, the words I've been longing for the past 15 years.

"_Welcome back, Allen._"

I inclined my head a little, nibbling on the fork while trying to fight down the giddiness I'm feeling. Must be caused by my being lonely for a long time. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, ne? Shaking my head, I half-heartedly glared at Timcanpy. The golem closed its mouth for a moment. I believe it's glaring at me, baring its fangs (or teeth?) at me.

"What?"

It opened its mouth again, another video playing. I believe this was shot right after my first tryst with Rhode Camelot. I was being diagnosed by Bookman with needles. My left eye, my _cursed _left eye appeared in view, making me cringe, disgusted. I instinctively turned my head to the side, wishing no more to see of that injured eye. Yet Tim was already before me in an instant, the video still playing. I threw it a withering glare.

"_He came here to ask us."_

Hearing the playful voice, my eyes suddenly gazed at the image coming out from Tim's mouth. The whole screen was taken up by numerous books clattered here and there, acting as a background. In the middle, a young man with unruly red hair stared back at me with a lazy grin. Even though I knew that this is just a video (and not the real thing), I flushed.

I frown at myself. Why was I flushing under the stare of a video? Shaking my head from side to side, I stabbed a steak with a fork and shoved it inside my mouth. I stabbed another and shoved it again in my mouth, repeating this action for a whole lot of 7 minutes, drowning out any and every existence in the world. When I eventually needed to drink to push the food down to my stomach, I stole a glance at Timcanpy who was still playing the video.

"_Beansprout!"_

I paused, though I couldn't quite pinpoint the reason why I did so. Ba-Kanda always calls me that, so why does it sound more… friendly? Yes, friendly. That's the word. Just friendly… maybe it was because he was grinning from ear to ear, his eye twinkling mischievously. Hmmm… his hair do stand out in all that snow, like blood in the sheets.

My eyes widening at that, I downed two pitchers of milk, stood up, and proceeded to somewhere where I can think, leaving still a huge amount of food at the table. I suppose I was blushing, judging from the way Jerry's eyes followed me, concern etched in his face.

Well, hell, I did not just think of that last phrase! Being with a perverted master who jumps from one lady to another, I was always left in charge of cleaning the room and making sure that the, ehem, women (yes, women) would not go after him for an encore. His master mostly bedded with experienced women, though at some points he'll seduce some virgins. Hence my knowledge with those kind of things.

I sigh, opening a door. Scanning my surroundings, I almost doubled back when I saw rows and rows of shelves filled with books.

"Great," I muttered to myself, "Just what I needed!"

Grumbling to myself, I walked deeper in to the library, hoping that at least one of the books there would catch my attention. I let my fingers glide through the various books and shelves, walking around as if I'm inside some sort of a maze.

"A-Allen?"

I turned, immediately seeing red. "Oh, Lavi. What're you doing here?"

The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them. And, as if conspiring against me, my body moved forward without my consent, just like what my mouth did. Hell, my body is moving on its own!

"Is this seat vacant?" Another defying act by my mouth.

"N-No! I mean, go ahead. Sit." He sputtered. Why is Lavi nervous? "Uh, I haven't been sent on a mission so I'm just taking a break for now." Now his cheeks are twitching. "So, uh, how about you?"

I gave out a sigh. Lavi sure is hard to read… sometimes. "Same. Kanda and Lenalee are out on a mission. Krory, Miranda and well, mostly everyone has gone out. But it's strange for Komui not to be giving me missions lately." I pause, noticing for the first time the book he was holding. "Hey what're you reading?" 

"Oh, this? It's nothing. Just some dumb fiction book about some stupid crazy couple falling in love and such."

Suddenly, I grabbed the book and started flicking through the pages, hoping to find something. Of course, I didn't find anything because I myself didn't know what it was that I was hoping to find.

"It doesn't look dumb to me. I think it's interesting when one's fallen for someone he or she likes. Don't you think?" I said nonchalantly, masking my true thoughts as my lips automatically twitching upwards into a smile. I actually don't think love as a dumb thing; more like it's a nuisance that is supposed to be ignored. Such emotions are not needed if it would eventually lead to more problems than its worth.

Before he could reply, both of our eyes met. Lavi's eyes widened a fraction, and with my experience, I'd say he was thinking something very important right now. Several emotions flickered in his eye though it may only be a trick of the light. He continued to stare, and stared some more until I eventually blushed, fighting myself not to squirm.

"Ah, sorry but excuse me Allen! I-uh, I gotta go!"

"O-Oi Lavi?"

And with that he was gone. I could hear his boots making contact with the cement growing fainter until I heard no more, again engulfed with the library's ever golden silence. Slumping back at the chair, I stared at the book in my hand, perplexed with my companion's action.

I'm not that too detestable to be with, right?

The sound of buzzing made me look up. Timcanpy was in front of me, inclining its body as if asking, "What's up?"

My eyes went down again to the book in my hand, willing it to tell me what the hell is wrong with that redhead. After waiting a few more minutes, it didn't tell or reveal me anything. And within those minutes, Tim was again latched on my ear, nibbling on it as if it was some piece of candy.

"Tim, you're gross. Let go and I'll give you something else to eat."

I carry the book with me, intent on returning it to the next Bookman later. I'll finish this puzzle later.

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I actually typed 5 pages. Hell, what's wrong with me? And I doubt this just made any sense. D8

When Timcanpy plays a video, it has audio, right? Correct me if I'm wrong. 8D

Thanks for reading.


	3. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Allen Walker, Lavi & -man. (Snort)

Hmmm… IDK what to say. D8

Let's just go to the story. T_T

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Sleeping is, by far, one of the activities that I look forward. Aside from eating (and cursing my master), sleeping let's me escape from the realities of the world, the harsh ones to be exact. It brings out a paradise only my subconscious mind has access to. And, as we all know, where there's paradise, there is bound to be a hell. Ironic, isn't?

If you're thinking what kind of paradise my subconscious mind conjures, it's most likely a world where no akuma, no Noahs, no Earl, and no pain roam the land. I know, this is utopia, but one cannot really help to dream of this. It's a desire within us; a perfect world where all can perfectly live their perfect lives. This would not have crossed your mind if you're a nihilist. I'm guessing Kanda Yu is a perfect example, what with his 'I hate you all so go die!' aura. Thankfully, it's not contagious. I can't seem to imagine Lenalee being a grumpy girl all the time.

Another paradise for me would be having my master in a tight leash… a _very_ tight leash indeed. With his face smeared with tears and begging me for forgiveness.

My lips twitched upwards, forming into a smirk. Being the disciple of a certain womanizer AND gambler is no easy feat. It's a miracle that I'm even alive right now, what with all those women and men that Master dumped and had debts on. I always ended up being the one to pay up just because I'm his disciple. I mean, what the hell!? So it wouldn't be unusual if I wish for him to be castrated right then and there, right?

…I sigh, turning on my side. That was not paradise, it just riled me up. Snorting, I turned to the other side, facing the window. A few streaks of light now streamed inside my room, illuminating it a little. A heard a distant buzzing, guessing that Timcanpy is up and about.

Another sigh escaped my lips, wishing that, somehow, sleep could claim me once more. I vaguely remembered dreaming of a tea party. Three people were present, though their faces were slightly blurred. One form was that of a round man, a ridiculously big top hat residing in his head. His ever present grin reminded me of someone though I couldn't quite figure out whom. He was talking with someone… someone who's all white. An angel, perhaps? Though when I looked above his head, I saw no halo, only a pair of high, pointy ears.

My eyes traveled downward, noticing a mass of black beside me. It has its head resting on its folded… arms? It certainly looks nowhere like human arms to me, more like rat arms or appendages. It was snoring, not minding the two talking in a rather loud volume. I stared at it for two more seconds before shifting my attention to the two standing figures. They were talking about something however I could not comprehend what they were talking about. I remembered shrugging and turning my attention to the food… feast laid out before me. My gluttony kicking in, I began to shove food in my mouth, tuning out the voices and snores from the other creatures.

I turned to my other side again, facing away from the window. I continued remembering my dream, though I don't know why I'm doing so. I recalled choking on a turkey leg, trying desperately to either swallow or throw it up. When neither was accomplished, I glanced around for water. I immediately noticed a cup being help in front of me, the hand holding it belonging to a grinning bunny-man.

I reached out, surprised when the cup suddenly vanished from my sight. I looked up to meet a pair of twinkling emerald eyes.

"Water," was all I could say, feeling my oxygen supply being cut out.

But all the damned bunny-man did was grin, present the cup in my face, and immediately pull it away from my grasp. I glared. He grinned. I glared some more. And he grinned some more.

"Tell me what you want, and I'll give it to you."

His voice caught me off guard. Was it supposed to be that deep? I gulped and looked down, only to find out I was wearing a blue skirt. No, wait, a blue and white frilly dress!

While I was contemplating on the fact that I was wearing a blue and white frilly dress, the bunny-man came closer. I felt his fingers force my chin up, making me stare at those ever twinkling green eyes which were emphasized by the red framing it. I never knew bunnies have very long eyelashes.

"Tell me what your desire is, Allen. Tell me."

_And my eyes widened as his next words escaped his lips._

My eyes flew open, a shiver running down my spine. I glanced at the wall clock. Twenty minutes passed. My room is now fully illuminated by sunlight. I can hear noise outside, telling me that many are now awake, preparing for another day.

I slowly sat up, shaking my head to remove any remnants of the dream. I still can't repress the shivers racking my body. As if the shivers were not enough, my cheeks suddenly heat up, my body reacting to the last words spoken in my dream.

I'm getting worked up over some damned dream!

"What the hell."

Leaping out of bed, I immediately ran to the bathroom. Looks like sleeping will be going off the list of my favorite activities.

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As always, my stomach automatically growls the moment I get out of the shower. I'm now thankful that it did; it managed to get my head off from that dream. On my way to the canteen, I tried hard not to think about it, putting the idea of my master tightly leashed above it. It somehow eased my nerves.

When I stepped inside the canteen, I saw Kanda stand up and point his sword to someone. My body suddenly went into action, swiftly crossing the room towards the swordsman. I put my hand on the sword handle, preventing it from moving.

"I would put that down if I were you, Kanda," I said, my eyes boring in his.

He scowled, I glared back.

"Che."

And with that, he pulled his sword away from us and walked away, emitting a murderous aura. What's new, huh?

I sigh and look at the person who was being harassed by Kanda. I was surprised to see a wide green eye looking back at me. My dream began to rewind inside my head, though I immediately locked it again as I offered my hand to Lavi.

"You okay, Lavi?"

I saw him hesitate, but he eventually grasped my hand and pulled himself up. I mulled over why he hesitated and realized that the hand I held out to him was my Innocence-laden one. I frowned.

"Yeah, t-thanks." He said, which was immediately followed by a wince.

"What's wrong?" I asked, though I at once saw what the cause was. "Lavi! You're bleeding!"

"Eh? I am?" He wiped his cheek, the red liquid smearing across it.

"Now Lavi, let's go to the infirmary calmly and then we'll-"

"Gah! I'm bleeding! Allen! I'm too young to die! I can't die yet! There are still many things I wanna do!"

I looked at him incredulously. He was waving his arms around and was sobbing like a baby. God, this is someone who fights an akuma?

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I pulled Lavi towards the clinic with much difficulty. He insisted to go the some cemetery and reserve his lot and then talk to his lawyer to have his final will written. I rolled my eyes in exasperation. It's just a cut in the cheek!

"Itai!"

I am currently leaning in the wall, watching in interest the scene unfolding in front of me. The nurse glared at Lavi, though she was still treating his wound. When she was done, I approached them, asking if the redhead will be okay.

"He will be. It was only a small cut so he'll be damn fine." And, at that, she left us.

"Okay, Allen, let's get going and eat breakfast, shall we?" He looked at me when I didn't respond. "Allen?"

Remembering his childish antics before we arrived at the clinic, I tried to stifle a laugh, covering my lips with my hand. Seriously, how often do you see a 19 year old crying like a baby over a small cut. I bet the tears he shed could fill ten buckets.

"Wh-what's so funny?" he asked uncertainly, a tinge of pink appearing at the bridge of his nose.

"It's no-nothing." I paused, trying to stop my chuckles. "Well, it's just…it's just that, I thought you were always valiant but I can't help myself thinking that you were like a crybaby back there."

He frowned. "A crybaby? Me? I'll have you know that I am no crybaby Allen. I was…devastated at what happened awhile ago. It came so fast." He said, puffing his cheeks out and glaring.

"Alright, alright, no need to get so mad Lavi. I didn't mean to insult you." I smiled, apologetically, and bowed. "Sorry about that."

I heard him sigh. "You don't have to be so polite. It's fine so you don't need to bow when you apologize."

Huh? I stared at him. Why should I not be polite?

"But I-" A grumble from my stomach interrupted me, reminding me of my hunger. Silence followed. The awkward one.

Lavi broke it, sniggering. "It looks like someone hasn't also eaten breakfast yet." He said in a sing-song voice. Suddenly, he grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the cafeteria, "Let's hurry to the cafeteria and eat already."

"Uh…okay." Was all I could manage to say.

He looked back and smiled. Thankfully, he immediately turned away, missing the red now appearing in my cheeks. What is it with green eyed creatures that always make me blush?

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I don't know, Allen. Maybe some kind of stimulating substance, perhaps? (smeerk)

Allen's dream? I know that you know what it is. (lol) I couldn't help it. It just came up and hit me… hard. And sorry if I got it wrong. I haven't really read the story in detail. Just some bits from Wiki. So, yeah. I believe the two creatures in the tea party are very easy to

name, but who was the third one?

Either way, thanks for reading. I know it's confusing and all, but I guess that's the point of this whole thing.


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